Jan 1, 2022 in Counseling

My Story , where is God? disability and anger against God.

What people go through in life. Amputations, to cope with. Are you angry with God about circumstances?

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My Storywhere is God?

Everybody has a story to tell, and every story is different. I am going to tell you one of my many stories. It is 2013 and I am waiting at the hospital for the results from the doctor. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2008, now there is some strange colour in my left big toe, some greenish/blue colour, and I experienced a lot of pain, and if I am right at what I think it is, then it might be a problem.

Eventually the doctor came, looked at the x-rays, and what I suspected was true, it was gangrene. He said that it spread into the bone of my toe and they need to amputate. It was a shock to me, but there was nothing I could do about it, and I had to accept it. I could still walk, and got used to the idea. So, life went on, and I went on with my life. I could still cycle, because this was one of my great passions.

In 2015, I got infection where my toe was amputated, and went to see the doctor again. Same story, went for x-rays, waited in anticipation for the “verdict”. Again, the infection was in the bone of my foot, and they amputate half my left foot. I was discharged a few days after the amputation, and had to go weekly for a checkup, and I had to clean the wound twice a day. I thought I was ok with the amputation and accepted it, but No, I was not. Now I had to get along on crutches, making it difficult for me to do the usual things, I had no extra hands to carry stuff, etc.

Being a Christian for many, many years, I started to feel anger against God, and blamed Him for all of this. I told God, that if He is such a loving God, and if this is how He shows His love for me, then I am not interested in His love, and that I want nothing to do with Him. I even doubted the Bible and wondered if it was true, or just a fabricated story. I rejected God, I had a negative world view, because of this, I became a dark soul, so to speak. I started to withdraw from people, pitying myself. There was, what I call, “inner tears”, I cried to the inside of my whole being, nobody must see my tears. I am strong, and people must see me that way, I will cope on my own, you will not understand. I even hated it to see people to be happy, I do not deserve it, so, why do they deserve it. They do everything that is wrong, but me a Christian, must experience such wrath from God. Am I punished because of sin in my life, am I God’s outcast, or what? Does God hate me? Why, would God allow such things, so many sorrow and heartache and pain.

I am sure that is what many of you also ask, when you experience such pain and disappointments. It is on everybody’s lips. Why would such a loving God put people through sufferings? I must add, it is easy to explain this, “why questions”, as I call it to a Christian, but not that easy to explain it to an angry, non-religious person, which is understandable. Even for me it was difficult, to understand, and I had to go through my own counselling process. I always say it is difficult for people to understand, what you are going through, no matter what your situation. It is easy for people to say, “I know how you feel”. How could they if they did not experience your situation? I think that is why God took me through so many situations in life, that I could relate to most sufferings people go through.

To get back to my story, I was always asking this, “why, why, why”, questions, pondering about it, trying to find the logical answer. I mean there must be a reason, I was perfectly well, had strong legs, why must I now become lesser than a full person, because that is how I felt.

Then one day one of my lady friends mentioned, that maybe God want to use me as a testimony, which I of course though, that she does not know what she is talking about. So, I left it there, but one day God revealed it to me. He told me the same story, that He want me to be a living testimony to people all around me and where ever I go. I need to tell my story, I need to tell, how God was still supporting me, and was still with me.

Do you think this was the end of my sufferings, No, not at all? Came 2016, there was another infection where half my foot was amputated. I do not need to tell you the sequence again, x-rays, etc. but now there was something different the doctor had to do. And it was to check in the bend under my knee, if there is a pulse, if no pulse, they must amputate above the knee. Big shock, because why is the doctor taking so long, is there pulse or not. I left out a big sight, when he said, there is a pulse, so there is blood flow. Then came the bad news, they must amputate just above my ankle.

What do you think, was going on in my mind now? What am I experiencing? What emotions do I feel? Well, I was sad, but experienced a calmness, that came over me. Instead of blaming God, I praised Him, and said, that now my testimony will even be bigger. Yes, people, God made changes in my life, I had a different view, as before. I saw God’s plan and purpose in my life, or do I?

My story carries on, not long after this, 2018, there developed an infection in my right big toe. Yes, you guessed right, the next amputation was there. For me it was now almost like a routine. Almost every year, now was amputation time, not celebration time. My body was, like I felt, chopped away, bit by bit. I felt like I am becoming less of a man, every time they amputated a body part. When there was an infection, I packed my hospital bag, just in case they will admit me. Not, the end yet, the wound did not heal and went to the hospital for an artery bypass, in my right leg, because there was no blood flow, and healing started, well on its way. What a relief.

Then 2019 came, there was an infection, in the toe next to the amputated toe, on my right foot. The big shock came, when there was no pulse, in the bend under my knee, and they had to do an above knee amputation. It was something I did not expect, I was hoping for maybe my foot or so, but not such a big piece, half a leg. So, the end of the story is, that I am making use of a wheelchair.

All I can say to you is that, we sometimes experience life as unfair, and I wish I could dry up your tears, but I can only motivate you and counsel you in your sufferings, and shed some light in your life. if you land in such situation, do not go lie down in despair, please, get up and keep going. There is hope for the future.

For me there is the possibility to get a prosthesis, and walk again. It is just a question of sponsors, I need to get, to make it a reality, and there are people trying for it to happen. Do not get me wrong, it is not that I have accepted, what happened to me, and that I do not experience sadness at all. There are days, when I see people running around, playing, cycling, or whatever they do, when I experience a deep sadness and tears coming in my eyes, when I am thinking, that I cannot enjoy any of those things. It is still a difficult time for me, and I sometimes think, that it is something that I have not accepted completely, but had to, because it is done and I cannot change it.

And believe me, you get people without compassion or any consideration when you are disabled, whether in a wheelchair or crutches, or whatever. There come days that I wish they could only be in my shoes, sorry I do not have, rather in my chair, just for a day, and see how they cope. My strength is in God, I said that I want my Bachelor degree in theology before I am 60. I got my Bachelor’s in Biblical studies last year in 2021. I have not told you yet, but I am 57 years young, I always say, you are as old as you feel. I give Biblical teachings, do counselling, write articles, do motivational speeches, and write about Biblical stuff that are interesting. I like to interact with people’s viewpoints on the Bible. God took me from where I was, and changed me into what He wants for my life. He will never leave us, He will always bring us to the surface. I have learned, not to look at the problems in my life, but to the solution.

We must not ask, the why questions in our times of suffering, but must rather ask God, what we must do in the situation. Ask, wait, and listen to God, you might be surprised at what might come to you, from God. I would like to hear from you. Maybe you are going through dark times and need someone to speak to, you will feel much more relieved, when you share your story and talk about it. I know it is not always easy, you might have dark secrets, that you have not shared yet, because you do not want people to know about it, but I can give you the assurance, that whatever you discus with me will be very confidential. Drop me a message, for just an opinion, or just a chat or whatever is on your mind. If you want counselling, it can be arranged, and remember the first session is free, you may also qualify for free sessions in total.

Do not be shy, pour out your ❤, there are people who will understand. I will come in alongside you and walk the path, encouraging and lifting you up. We must pray to God, time spend on our knees, is worth the effort. May God bless you in your journey. I would like to leave you with a thought for the

My Story – where is God?
Everybody has a story to tell, and every story is different. I am going to tell you one of my many stories.
It is 2013 and I am waiting at the hospital for the results from the doctor. I was diagnosed with diabetes in 2008, now there is some strange colour in my left big toe, some greenish/blue colour, and I experienced a lot of pain, and if I am right at what I think it is, then it might be a problem. Eventually the doctor came, looked at the x-rays, and what I suspected was true, it was gangrene. He said that it spread into the bone of my toe and they need to amputate.  It was a shock to me, but there was nothing I could do about it, and I had to accept it. I could still walk, and got used to the idea. So, life went on, and I went on with my life. I could still cycle, because this was one of my great passions.
In 2015, I got infection where my toe was amputated, and went to see the doctor again. Same story, went for x-rays, waited in anticipation for the “verdict”. Again, the infection was in the bone of my foot, and they amputate half my left foot. I was discharged a few days after the amputation, and had to go weekly for a checkup, and I had to clean the wound twice a day. I thought I was ok with the amputation and accepted it, but No, I was not. Now I had to get along on crutches, making it difficult for me to do the usual things, I had no extra hands to carry stuff, etc.
Being a Christian for many, many years, I started to feel anger against God, and blamed Him for all of this. I told God, that if He is such a loving God, and if this is how He shows His love for me, then I am not interested in His love, and that I want nothing to do with Him. I even doubted the Bible and wondered if it was true, or just a fabricated story. I rejected God, I had a negative world view, because of this, I became a dark soul, so to speak. I started to withdraw from people, pitying myself. There was, what I call, “inner tears”, I cried to the inside of my whole being, nobody must see my tears. I am strong, and people must see me that way, I will cope on my own, you will not understand. I even hated it to see people to be happy, I do not deserve it, so, why do they deserve it. They do everything that is wrong, but me a Christian, must experience such wrath from God. Am I punished because of sin in my life, am I God’s outcast, or what? Does God hate me? Why, would God allow such things, so many sorrow and heartache and pain. I am sure that is what many of you also ask, when you experience such pain and disappointments. It is on everybody’s lips. Why would such a loving God put people through sufferings? I must add, it is easy to explain this, “why questions”, as I call it to a Christian, but not that easy to explain it to an angry, non-religious person, which is understandable.  Even for me it was difficult, to understand, and I had to go through my own counselling process. 
I always say it is difficult for people to understand, what you are going through, no matter what your situation. It is easy for people to say, “I know how you feel”. How could they if they did not experience your situation? I think that is why God took me through so many situations in life, that I could relate to most sufferings people go through.
To get back to my story, I was always asking this, “why, why, why”, questions, pondering about it, trying to find the logical answer. I mean there must be a reason, I was perfectly well, had strong legs, why must I now become lesser than a full person, because that is how I felt. Then one day one of my lady friends mentioned, that maybe God want to use me as a testimony, which I of course though, that she does not know what she is talking about. So, I left it there, but one day God revealed it to me. He told me the same story, that He want me to be a living testimony to people all around me and where ever I go. I need to tell my story, I need to tell, how God was still supporting me, and was still with me. 
Do you think this was the end of my sufferings, No, not at all? Came 2016, there was another infection where half my foot was amputated. I do not need to tell you the sequence again, x-rays, etc. but now there was something different the doctor had to do. And it was to check in the bend under my knee, if there is a pulse, if no pulse, they must amputate above the knee. Big shock, because why is the doctor taking so long, is there pulse or not. I left out a big sight, when he said, there is a pulse, so there is blood flow. Then came the bad news, they must amputate just above my ankle. 
What do you think, was going on in my mind now? What am I experiencing? What emotions do I feel? Well, I was sad, but experienced a calmness, that came over me. Instead of blaming God, I praised Him, and said, that now my testimony will even be bigger. Yes, people, God made changes in my life, I had a different view, as before. I saw God’s plan and purpose in my life, or do I?
My story carries on, not long after this, 2018, there developed an infection in my right big toe. Yes, you guessed right, the next amputation was there. For me it was now almost like a routine. Almost every year, now was amputation time, not celebration time. My body was, like I felt, chopped away, bit by bit. I felt like I am becoming less of a man, every time they amputated a body part. When there was an infection, I packed my hospital bag, just in case they will admit me. Not, the end yet, the wound did not heal and went to the hospital for an artery bypass, in my right leg, because there was no blood flow, and healing started, well on its way. What a relief.
Then 2019 came, there was an infection, in the toe next to the amputated toe, on my right foot. The big shock came, when there was no pulse, in the bend under my knee, and they had to do an above knee amputation. It was something I did not expect, I was hoping for maybe my foot or so, but not such a big piece, half a leg. So, the end of the story is, that I am making use of a wheelchair. 
 All I can say to you is that, we sometimes experience life as unfair, and I wish I could dry up your tears, but I can only motivate you and counsel you in your sufferings, and shed some light in your life. if you land in such situation, do not go lie down in despair, please, get up and keep going. There is hope for the future. For me there is the possibility to get a prosthesis, and walk again. It is just a question of sponsors, I need to get, to make it a reality, and there are people trying for it to happen.
Do not get me wrong, it is not that I have accepted, what happened to me, and that I do not experience sadness at all. There are days, when I see people running around, playing, cycling, or whatever they do, when I experience a deep sadness and tears coming in my eyes, when I am thinking, that I cannot enjoy any of those things. It is still a difficult time for me, and I sometimes think, that it is something that I have not accepted completely, but had to, because it is done and I cannot change it. And believe me, you get people without compassion or any consideration when you are disabled, whether in a wheelchair or crutches, or whatever. There come days that I wish they could only be in my shoes, sorry I do not have, rather in my chair, just for a day, and see how they cope. 
My strength is in God, I said that I want my Bachelor degree in theology before I am 60. I got my Bachelor’s in Biblical studies last year in 2021. I have not told you yet, but I am 57 years young, I always say, you are as old as you feel. I give Biblical teachings, do counselling, write articles, do motivational speeches, and write about Biblical stuff that are interesting. I like to interact with people’s viewpoints on the Bible. God took me from where I was, and changed me into what He wants for my life. He will never leave us, He will always bring us to the surface. I have learned, not to look at the problems in my life, but to the solution. We must not ask, the why questions in our times of suffering, but must rather ask God, what we must do in the situation. Ask, wait, and listen to God, you might be surprised at what might come to you, from God. I would like to hear from you. Maybe you are going through dark times and need someone to speak to, you will feel much more relieved, when you share your story and talk about it. I know it is not always easy, you might have dark secrets, that you have not shared yet, because you do not want people to know about it, but I can give you the assurance, that whatever you discus with me will be very confidential. Drop me a message, for just an opinion, or just a chat or whatever is on your mind. If you want counselling, it can be arranged, and remember the first session is free, you may also qualify for free sessions in total. Do not be shy, pour out your ❤, there are people who will understand. I will come in alongside you and walk the path, encouraging and lifting you up. We must pray to God, time spend on our knees, is worth the effort. May God bless you in your journey. I would like to leave you with a thought for the day: Isaiah 43:18-19, But the LORD says, "Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. 19 Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there. Isaiah 43:18-19, But the LORD says, "Do not cling to events of the past or dwell on what happened long ago. 19 Watch for the new thing I am going to do. It is happening already—you can see it now! I will make a road through the wilderness and give you streams of water there.

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