Nov 20, 2023 in Coaching

Navigating Parenting: The Pitfalls of Rewards and Punishments in Raising Authentic, Emotionally Inte

Discover the downsides of conventional parenting in my TEDxChandlersCreek talk. learn a healthier approach. Click more:

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How do I fix a marriage after cheating??

My husband of 5 years has cheated on me. I'm heartbroken. Can I fix our marriage?? Is there hope for us?? Will things get better? Please help

Answer 134 answers • 6 Experts joined

Caligirl

17 Jan

Am I over reacting? Am I the one in the wrong no him

Ok I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he denied cheating on me but everything points to the opposite he's gone to spend the night with his baby moma and her kids in a hotel he rated me put to her when I called the cops on her for her vandalizing my car he would defend her when I would bring thing up about her and he has a video of her playing with her self am I wrong for being mad?

Answer 112 answers • 6 Experts joined

Huttslady

17 Jan

Help

We both have insecurities and trust issues due to past relationships... So, there's the back and forth accusations, yelling, name calling, etc. We are both extremely jealous and have no communication skills. We love each other but sometimes Love isn't enough to make someone understand that you aren't going to hurt them. How can we help each other overcome these issues?

Answer 111 answers • 6 Experts joined

Caligirl

17 Jan

Idk what to do

My boyfriend and I have been fighting because he found some old messages that I had when we started going out, the messages are not bad the conversations where just like hi and bye kind of thing but because I told him I wasn't talking to anyone he's mad but da whole time he was still hanging out with his baby momma behind my back and he would delete all his messages to her so I wouldn't see them

Answer 79 answers • 6 Experts joined

Ashleigh

17 Jan

Lost and confused at a crossroads

My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years now. We have had a very tumultuous relationship both of us have hurt each other very much on each parts. But he’s done a lot more wrong it has no accountability. But my question is how do you handle it because anytime I try to talk to him about anything he automatically yells at me, deflects, accuse me of cheating. How do you go about handling

Answer 81 answers • 4 Experts joined

Diya Singh

17 Jan

How can I get my teen to confide in me

I've been trying to get my son to confide in me about why he is feeling so depressed. He is 15 years old and a very good teen but have no idea why he is so withdrawn and quiet. Please help me I cant bear to see him like this

Answer 153 answers • 15 Experts joined

Mommy22

17 Jan

What do I do?

I'm not sure what to do. Recently separated mom with 2 young girls and pregnant with my 3rd.

Answer 122 answers • 6 Experts joined

John Hayward

17 Jan

I took my son's Ipad away because I'm at my wit's end with him.

He is so addicted and doesn’t want to do anything else. Can anyone tell me whether I did the right thing or am I being too harsh?

Answer 116 answers • 4 Experts joined

Martha Diaz

17 Jan

Shared custody

It's 3 y I divorced and we have shared custody of 2 lovely kids. Any advice on how to make them understand that divorced parents is ok?

Answer 73 answers • 5 Experts joined

Christie

17 Jan

What should I do?

My son is acting out in school and giving people the middle finger and running around and hitting when he is restrained and he also has speech apraxia and may have ADHD

Answer 72 answers • 3 Experts joined

Picture having a remote control that effortlessly guides and shapes your child’s behavior.

Tidy up your room. Check.

Complete your homework. Check.

Head to bed. Check.

Life suddenly becomes a breeze, devoid of constant reminders, heated arguments, or backtalk.

It might sound like a fantasy, yet is it truly so implausible?

Life would undoubtedly be simpler if our children always adhered to our requests.

However, in that scenario, they would resemble robots more than the intricate, marvelous human beings we cherish.

In my TEDxChandlersCreek talk, “The Power of You: Surviving & Transcending Unconscious Parenting,” I delve into how relying on the reward and punishment paradigm is akin to wielding a remote control over our children.

When we attempt to manipulate our children’s conduct by rewarding actions categorized as “good” and penalizing those deemed “bad,” we set in motion the Three Rs: Resistance, Rebellion, and Retaliation.

But why?

Because rewarding “good” behavior conveys to our kids that they only deserve acknowledgment or affection when they meet specific objectives or conform to socially acceptable norms.

Conversely, when we discipline what is considered “bad” behavior, we neglect to address the underlying needs fueling the transgression.

Overlooking the messages inherent in our children’s actions unintentionally communicates that their feelings are inconsequential.

Relying on rewards and punishments fosters the notion that we are indifferent to their sadness, anger, or loneliness — we merely desire them to behave impeccably. Almost like robots.

I, too, was a product of unconscious parenting, compelled to discover how to honor my inner voice after years of suppressing my authentic self in the pursuit of “good” behavior.

Explore my personal journey and more in the full presentation, available for viewing right here.

Love and Blessings,

Katherine