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Oct 15, 2021 in 

Am I in a Toxic Relationship?

How to know if you are in a toxic relationship may be difficult for him/her. This may help you decide if you are in one.

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Elizabeth Martinez

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AM I IN A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP?

Knowing his/her behavior will help you quickly learn to see through their tricks, lies, and deceptions:

  1. One minute they are nice then the next cold and callous and if you want to know what is wrong they’ll probably tell you “they’re good” but they have that giving you just enough, but not enough to keep you coming back for more. At this point, you cover up for them. Make excuses for their bad behaviors 

  2. They are great at manipulating you and others. It’s as if everyone owes them something, but what that something is, no one will ever know. They also play this game of destroying your feelings, and then somehow make it seem like they did it out of love for you.

Instead of owning what they’ve done, they’ll make it seem like what you are feeling about them is actually what you feel about yourself. They tell you what to feel. How to feel and if you disagree then they will tell you that you are wrong. How you actually feel is XYZ.  They also will defend and justify their behavior with you. As if it’s your fault that if you hadn't said or done something then they wouldn’t have done this or that. 

  • They want you to prove yourself to them in some fashion and yet really want nothing to do with you after they convince you that you have to apologize and bend to their every whim

  • Don’t expect any sort of ‘I’m sorry” … that’s not going to happen. It wasn’t their fault, to begin with. It was yours. If you would have done XYZ then they wouldn’t have acted like this or that. They will easily twist any-and-all stories and can recount it so convincingly to others and even if it doesn’t make sense to anyone they’ll believe their own lies because they tell the story so well in their head. These types of people also never want you to bring up the past. To get over what they did to do you as if nothing ever happened. “You just need to keep your mouth shut and say nothing” sort of attitude

  • They are quick to be there when you don’t need them but never to share in your joy. Only the pain. Why? Because it had something to do with someone else and it wasn’t them. The focus wasn’t on them. 

  • If they get mad they decide to let social media friends or people they don’t know about a situation (which is based on lies) and make up rumors about their partner so they don’t look like the bad person and then notify people on social media that they are under a lot of stress and need to go away for a while, leaving people sending caring concerned messages about their well being. They want the attention to keep coming in by not responding to calls or messages for as long as they can. Then they may send you a short message blaming you for them leaving social media and how if it wasn’t for them you wouldn’t be where you are at not then stop speaking to you

  • They may use phrases or tones that should mean one thing but means another “So, what have you really been up to today?” That may seem fine, but to question what have you really been up to in the line of question sounds more like if they told you that you had no intention of believing what they had to say as it is. So they ask just to ask. Not because they really care about the answer.

  • They are so good at deflecting when it comes to dealing with a situation that may still be bothering you from weeks, months, years ago that was never resolved and they bring in what you didn’t do five minutes ago to deflect the conversation from them to you. They want you to forget what the conversation was about and argue with you about what you didn’t do for them five minutes ago. Somehow it’s always your fault. You can never win. They will always be right, no matter what.

  • They will find a reason to argue with you because they feel you have a tone in your voice when you have none. The look on your face, the way you looked at someone walk by, the way you move in a certain fashion when talking to someone else other than them. They don’t care what you are talking about. They always want control over all conversations. 

  • They love to be so extreme “exaggerate” what has gone on for more attention. They have a way of drawing in people and point out the other person’s flaws. “You ALWAYS” say I do XYZ…” or “You ALWAYS wanna bring up what I did before and now I want to point out that you are just as bad as me… but you are mad at you and blame me!” They are quick to flip the script on you. How you act, they say they act that way and how they act, they blame you and say you are that horrible person

  • They are so quick to judge/condemn you. They make swipes at your looks, to how you cook, to how you dress, to whatever they can think of just because

  • They are so quick to call for backup. They cause the problem, tell half-truths they have their own posse ready to strike not realizing they would be striking at the wrong individual.

  • They will find other women/men and flirt with him/her purposely and not care how it makes you feel. Someone you get blamed for “spying” on them when you both are on social media and you can see what is going, but not only can you see it… his/her friends are sending you messages asking what is going on or he/she just did this or that with me. Why is he/she acting this way? If you’re in a relationship with someone there is no such thing as “spying” if you have come to the point of accusing your partner of “spying” on you and telling your friends/family/strangers that the person spies on you then you need to get out of the relationship and stop exploiting the other person for your personal gain to torment them

  • It’s never wise to marry someone like this. You will be blamed for EVERYTHING! They will probably enlighten you and tell you that they didn’t love you to begin with and were using you and say “below the belt” things to cause you more mental pain and anguish while even have their friends/family doing the same. They will play the victim. They tend to do that a lot. They have that “I’ll get you before you get me sort of mentality” when you weren’t even planning on getting them to begin with, but they believe that you are always out to get them because that’s how they treat others. It’s like the saying “A cheater will always accuse their partner of cheating even when the partner isn’t cheating because they don’t” - they don’t want to get caught doing what they know they aren’t supposed to do and yet they are their own dead give-aways.

    1. They can find themselves eyeing other women/men online and telling them the sweetest thing and don’t care if they are caught by calling other women gods/goddesses, King/Queen. They even play games with you if you tell them you don’t like what they call other people that if only they post pics of themselves like that on social media that they would like those pics as well. Not caring about how their partner feels. Somehow their partner is blamed for them looking, to begin with

    2. Fixing their relationship will never happen. The problem lies in the fact that they truly never wanted to love someone. They just may never have wanted to be alone or you were their convenience. They knew what to say to make you fall for them and once they got what they wanted they were done

    3. Did you want to divorce the person? They show no more emotion or care yet tell everyone how sad and distraught they are over the breakup because they notice they get all this attention and want to cause strife for their partner. If they can’t be happy, their partner can’t either. Instead of letting their partner go and be happy, the person truly believes that if they are unhappy their partner has to be as well and will fight tooth and nail to make sure that happens. If they have to get family/friends involved not knowing about the situation and making it up as they go they will and sound believable. So much so that his/her family and friends will attack his/her partner as well without knowing all the facts. Maybe your partner has even said they’ll ruin your life if you leave them yet they don’t love you nor want to be around you and you are tired of being hurt over and over because of lies, but when confronted they deny saying they said anything to you

    4. Once a cheater, always a cheater … and a liar… master manipulator to strangers and those that aren’t around them 24/7 to know who they really are. So I ask that before you judge someone’s partner make sure you know all the facts behind closed doors, not just what’s in front of you. Sometimes a person is a certain way in front of people because of how they’ve been treated behind closed doors that no one knows about.

    5. They are good at saying one thing and doing another. They also have the art of selective memory. He/She never remembers what they say to you but will remember what you said five minutes ago. They won’t remember calling you out of your name, putting you down, dismissing you, turning their back on you when you needed them the most unless pushed by a person of authority and they’ll admit the truth, but other than that they do not remember anything when you bring it up. Have you ever heard them tell their family/friends about how you heard them talk about you and they denied it when you could even recall the entire conversation? Have they made you feel you’re going crazy? That is their motive. It has nothing to do with you. It’s them. They are toxic and narcissistic.

    Just know that sometimes there are people that cannot be pleased no matter what you do and its time to let them go and to the friends/family/strangers … sometimes things may look one way in public but behind closed doors, things are totally different so before being accusatory of that person that your friend talks about, I’d ask the other person about what is going on otherwise you will be made out to be a fool and the friend that lied to you doesn’t care. They did what they accomplished to do. Quickly made up some story before you found out the truth to cover up what they’ve done.

    Don’t let toxic people mental destroy you over and over in a relationship. It’s time you do better for yourself. While they may think you can’t live without them, they know you can’t and don’t want it. If you are ready to divorce you will blow their mind. They will come up with excuses and reasons why they won’t leave you or if they do how you are on your own. They immediately want to stop their responsibilities when they move on to the next innocent victim. 

    Your partner will most likely realize that you will be happy without them and try to weasel their way back into your life. If you share a child/ren, they may use that child/ren to find out info on their ex-partner.

    Keep your chin up and move on. He/She needs to move out of your home and take care of their responsibilities as well. Not get an easy ticket out of every problem they cause.

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