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Jun 3, 2021 in 

People Hurt Each Other Because of Their Own Deep Pain

We’ve all been hurt before. Whether it happened in our family, a friend, a colleague, or an intimate relationship.

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Tony Fahkry

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A Soul Agreement To Experience Karmic Lessons

“So other people hurt me? That’s their problem. Their character and actions are not mine. What is done to me is ordained by nature, what I do by my own.” — Marcus Aurelius

We’ve all been hurt before. Whether it happened in our family, a friend, a colleague, or an intimate relationship. Every one of us has faced pain and identifies with sadness, rejection, anger and similar emotions. It can feel terrible when we’re hurt, and it resonates throughout our life for a long time. But we can learn a lot from our pain and I don’t mean becoming more resilient but softening in those parts that were once rigid. We can learn to be more compassionate and kinder to those who hurt us.

I realise this may not be the message you want to hear, particularly if someone has hurt recently you. Nevertheless, people who hurt us do so because of the pain they carry. Hurt people, hurt others because it is the only language they know. I’m not condoning their actions but inviting you to look at the bigger picture. Hurt people don’t deal with their pain and transfer it on to others via manipulative means. For example, how did you respond if someone hurt you recently? Did you to maintain a healthy boundary with the person or did you try to help them overcome their pain?

Some people try to help the wounded and are hurt even more. The wounded don’t want our help because they don’t recognise, they need help. Remember, this is about self-preservation and they will go to great lengths to avoid pain (pain-pleasure principle) and indulge in activities that anaesthetise their pain. More often than not, we become the recipient of another person’s pain and therefore we must distance ourselves if we can. Don’t feel obligated to save them because they don’t want to be saved. Sometimes, a person’s karma in this life is to experience pain and transform it. I don’t intend this to mean human beings must endure suffering and we ought to allow it. Rather, we may have a soul agreement to experience karmic lessons for our soul’s evolution. It is not our job to intervene unless we are asked to, otherwise, the other person won’t benefit from our involvement.

This is not always the case because you might have a sibling, a parent, a child, or a loved one, whom it is your responsibility to care for. But if you’ve repeatedly tried to help them without success, there might be a deeper lesson they need to learn. Sometimes, we need to hit rock bottom to find our way back. Whilst rock bottom can be a dark place, we discover the light of our being and the true essence of our soul nature. What are your impressions about this so far? I’m certain you have questions and you might disagree with me and that’s fine. I invite you to sit with your questions and write about how you feel in your journal.

We Ought To Heal Our Wounds

“The thought caused me a good deal of grief. What a terrible thing it is to wound someone you really care for – and to do it so unconsciously.” — Haruki Murakami

The key is to investigate our thoughts with openness and compassion. It’s okay to feel resistance and disagreement about something you don’t understand. You don’t have to agree with me or anyone else, but it’s important you find your own truth. Disagreement can lead toward your truth. People hurt each other because of the trauma they’ve experienced throughout their life. For some people, they don’t know how to ask for help or may lack the financial resources to seek therapy or counselling. So, they bury their pain, hoping it will be forgotten. But it always resurfaces because pain has a way of revealing itself.

It resurfaces when we are in an intimate relationship and the other person mirrors our deepest beliefs. Naturally, we go to war with them, believing they caused our pain. In fact, they are reflecting what we believe at the unconscious level. They are our healing agents, pointing us towards self-transformation. I know it’s difficult to accept when another person triggers pain within us. But the source of our pain is already present inside of us and they activate it without knowing it. If the same individual triggered the pain buttons of another person, they may not react the same way. For example, I’m triggered by loud music and screaming because I grew up with a stern father who was voiceless in his discipline. Yet, my sisters who grew up in the same household are unaffected because they were treated differently. They don’t have the same wounds and therefore are not triggered like I am.

So how can we deal with those who hurt us? First, it’s important we maintain healthy barriers and distance ourselves from them. This is not always possible, but it may involve limiting our contact with them. Second, we ought to heal our wounds because there will come a time others will trigger us again in the future. Therefore, if we carry unresolved trauma, it is likely we will have to face our own demons once more. The key is to work on ourselves through self-enquiry, or if you are working with a professional counsellor or therapist, continue doing the work. Ultimately, we are all wounded in some form because of our life experiences and the antidote to pain and trauma is not retaliation or anger but compassion and kindness.

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