Oct 24, 2021 in Counseling

Is it just me or is my man changing?

How to know signs that there is something off with your relationship and what to do

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Why am I the male in this relationship, or is it just me?

Have you experienced certain things in your relationship with your man and you now have come to question is he for some reason becoming different than the man he once was?

  • Can he keep his word? He probably more often than not rolling his eyes, huffing, and puffing, or walking away because you pointed out his flaw of not keeping his word with you but he may keep his word for his friends and/or family ONLY

  • Does he have empathy? Well not really. No one should have any flaws except him and him putting out (giving you intimacy) well that depends on what mood he’s in. He probably doesn’t even care how you feel half the time as it is and cannot really connect with anyone else.

  • Is he competing against you rather than supporting you? It has to do with how he feels about his own self-worth. If he fears you are going to leave then his instinct is to sabotage you instead.

  • Does he use aggressive behavior with you when he shows negative emotions/feelings? If it’s repeated over and over, it will either bring you down or make you decide it’s time to leave. He is hoping that because he doesn’t have enough self-worth he has to bring you down as well and make you feel lower than himself to make himself seem superior. All the negative things he says about you usually have to do with how he feels about himself. When you’ve had enough and are ready to leave he may try and convince you he’ll change or convince you that you will not survive without him.

  • Does he feel that those that show love to you he has to compete with for some reason? Some men need to be fed attention 24/7 and even more so when friends or others come around. They seem to become even more insecure about themselves and try to make themselves seem better where they need their egos constantly stroked and you are having to tell them “great job” or “I’m so proud of you” or “You’re right babe” all the time. How annoying and tiring that can be. It’s like you are babysitting a child instead of having a secure man be with you. He’s insecure because he also may feel you would pick someone else over him so he wants to prove himself.

  • Is he always talking about money? Funny how that works sometimes. He may make himself seem grander than what he actually is and makeup numbers of what is in the bank acct. Sometimes it’s all about greed.

  • Where is dad when the kids need him? Well, some men are just sperm donors and move on to the next. They want no time with their children, nor want to hear you complain he needs to help provide for them. He just isn’t mentally, emotionally, or physically available. 

  • Where do we go from here? So some men have no ideas, can’t look ahead to see where they want to be with their partner/spouse in the future. While the spouse may see a house with a picket fence, a dog, etc. The partner is constantly disparaging that idea in every way shape and form. He always makes up excuses to stop himself before he starts something and complains about every job he has acquired. As if the reason he is leaving the job is that the boss “doesn’t like him” … there is always something to do with him having to leave. 

  • Why do you have to dress up for him and he doesn’t have to dress up for you? Now don’t get me wrong, there is nothing with dressing up for your man and letting him admire you but when he is so strict on how you look, dress, what you eat and then decides he’s going to pick out your clothes for you and make you look like a work the streets instead of just being beautiful and dress sexy but not over the top, then there is a problem. All he is looking for is his ego-stroked and people to point out who he’s with. While it may be embarrassing for her, he doesn’t care. He gets a kick out of a man taking another look at his woman. You ask him to dress up for you and he looks at you like you are speaking a foreign language. He isn't about to dress up for you but will dress his best for his family and friends at their special events.

  • Now on the other hand you may have a man who hates that his woman dresses up and is noticed by men because he feels he’ll have to compete against someone who will treat her better than he does or ever could/would

  • Do you have to pay for everything? Everyone is entitled to be who they want to be in a relationship but if one minute he’s the male in the relationship then decides to be more like the woman in the relationship there could be a conflict of interest. He seems to have become emotionally and physically weak for some.

  • Why doesn’t like other men around me? If other men are there and fit, your partner/spouse may be jealous and insecure of how they look and think that you may find their male friends more attractive and want to show off and be conceded because they all of a sudden feel inferior. They may also want to hold you or be around you to let the other males know that she is yours and not theirs. Which is a very insecure move.

  • Is he okay being rude to others? You are telling him not to be so rude and he just looks at you and walks away then that is a sign there is a problem. This relationship will quickly or may already be unhealthy and you no longer need to be in it. If a man cannot control the way he talks to people or behaves in front of them then there is a problem. He may even try to excuse his behavior and tell you that you’re making a scene for no reason when HE was the one that caused a problem. It’s not your job to teach a man how to be a decent human being.

  • Does he think I’m his maid service? I am not his maid. One minute he’s calling me names then the next minute he’s telling me to serve and/or service him. Why? He’s at a loss of control and in order to boost his confidence in himself, he’ll put you down and hope you bend to his will/desires/needs/wants/cravings/etc just to make himself feel better. It’s also called manipulation. Again, It’s not your job to teach a man how to be a decent human being.

  • Did he just blame me for something I didn’t do? Does he create situations for you just to start a fight then turn it around and fault you for what he did? Does he always play the victim role? Does he tell you and/or others that if it wasn’t for him, you wouldn’t have the finer things in life that you have and you wouldn’t live where you live now if it wasn’t for HIM? I’m just going to say this nicely. You aren’t his mom. You aren’t going to be able to fix him because he doesn’t think he’s broke. You are responsible for your sanity and a life that will bring forth love and honesty and what you deserve in life. And if he wants to tell you that you will never find someone like him if you leave… well, that’s the point. You don’t want another HIM!

In what other ways does a man show his weak side in a relationship?

  • He makes his woman feel unprotected and insecure because he feels emotionally vulnerable.

  • He makes bad decisions and doesn’t ask for advice from his woman. It’s his way or no way.

  • He is a people pleaser to only certain people except for his partner/wife

  • He may hold back from conflict with friends, family but may let loose on his partner/wife or just become anxious and uncomfortable and cause tension and friction in the room

  • Since he’s been dumped before by another relationship his fear of rejection is so heightened that he may try to put his best foot forward as a show when it’s not warranted.

  • He may never complain about anything in the relationship because he fears being rejected again and anything goes

  • He’s so clingy like a child and needs constant validation. If he doesn’t get it he may feel suddenly insecure and need to know why his partner/wife isn’t validating anything about him every 5 minutes.

  • He vacates when his partner/wife needs him and can never be there to allay any feelings she may be going through but expects her to be there for him without question or hesitation

  • He may never get angry about anything and just chalks everything up to “Oh well… It is what it is”

  • He may want someone to care for him as his mother used to, but you aren’t his mama so don’t even attempt that role.

  • He may never take responsibility in the relationship and will avoid a situation he started at all costs. He may disappear to let things cool down before returning.

  • He’s great at selective hearing/selective memory and avoids serious conversations at all costs.

  • He may never help make plans with anything and just tell his partner/spouse that XYZ is coming over in a couple of hours to get stuff ready for everyone.

  • He would rather save face at any cost and be self-centered than let his guard down and be himself

  • He may cause a problem then expect the partner/spouse to handle the situation he caused that she wasn’t expecting. He didn’t even mention any issue. It just happened that the problem has just been sprung on her and he is nowhere to be found again

  • He will lie to his partner/spouse and then never sticks up for her and admit he was wrong and make a situation(s) come up on purpose because he was mad. He wants to keep things festering and stirring the pot.

  • Why are you cleaning up his messes? Why? He’s grown. Does he say he’s the man? Well, let “The man” clean up his own messes. Don’t pay off of bills, lie for him, bargain for him. He has to learn and you aren’t helping him own up to his responsibilities.

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