Oct 18, 2021 in Coaching

Things a Cheater Unknowingly Does

Want to know what a cheater does unknowingly? Do you think you live with a cheater? Let's see if this can help you decide!

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The truth is that the most common cause of divorce is cheating. While 50-65 percent of couples can overcome this in their relationship, others divorce immediately after finding out.

Why is this? Some can easily forgive and for others, they are with someone who is a serial cheater and it will happen over and over again. That’s why it’s said “Once a cheater, always a cheater”

So how do you know if he/she is cheating on you?

- He/She lies to you - they do whatever it takes to cover up what they are doing and the most common lie is that they are having to work late after work or suddenly have to go out of town to a business meeting

- You may also find out that they stop doing any/everything with you all of a sudden. There is a lack of interest in anything romantic. Or, all of a sudden they are overly romantic because they feel guilty for what they’ve done, yet have no desire to stop cheating.

- Have you noticed that he/she begins to hide their phone? Have you noticed that they are glued to their phone and the minute you get close to them on their phone they put their phone away all of a sudden? They don’t want you seeing who they’re texting back and forth. Have you noticed that they hide their phone under their pillow when they sleep or between their mattress so in order for you to get to their phone it would wake them? The cheater is their own giveaway for what they are doing.

- Cheating partners need to all of a sudden change their passwords to everything and make new social media accounts. He/She may try to make a new identity so they cannot be found out by their spouse.

- People usually cheat because they don’t feel they get what they need from their spouse be it physical, emotional, spiritual, or some other need. Cheaters need their egos fed. Sadly, cheaters have poor self-esteem issues and need someone to make them feel superior than they really are.

- Cheaters sadly are lying to themselves besides lying to their partners. They conclude that what they are doing isn’t wrong. They blame their spouse for what they are doing. They may convince their spouse that if they would have done X, Y, or Z at home then they wouldn’t have sought out someone else. I can guarantee you though, that they will soon find fault in the new person they have cheated with you on and convince him/her they aren’t doing enough and cheat on that next person as well.

- Cheaters come up with great concocted stories to share to explain away why they cheated as if it will make it better. Some may try to convince their partner it wasn’t their fault, to begin with. The other person “made them” cheat or they may try to convince their spouse that it was fate.

- Cheaters, for the most part, try to avoid conflict when their relationship is going south and sweep it under the rug as if it doesn’t exist. They even convince themselves that there is nothing wrong and things are being blown out of proportion even though they are cheating and that they can have an affair and a marriage at the same time and make it work out.

- Cheaters usually use the affair as a way to skip out of their relationship instead of just being honest, to begin with, and say they want out. If they have a “backup plan” or “someone waiting for them” then leaving their spouse makes it easier because they have somewhere to go after they leave him/her

- Have you noticed how quickly a cheater will blame their spouse for their cheating? They create a dramatic story about their spouse to paint them as this awful person just so they can leave the relationship when their spouse did nothing wrong, to begin with. 

A Conscious Rethink says that many narcissists are skilled liars and manipulators and can easily put a great spin on the situation to make things seem like it’s the spouse's fault. They can convince their family/friends/etc or anyone that will listen about how awful their spouse was and they had to get away. They may even flip the script. They may make it sound as though their spouse acts as they do and they act like what their spouse does.

IE: Sarah is rather quiet and cries when she finds out her spouse has cheated. She may yell at her spouse John for cheating and ask why…

John on the other hand may throw a fit and tell Sarah that his cheating is none of her business and she needs to get over it. He wouldn’t have cheated on her if she did X, Y, or Z but because she chose not to do it then he had no other choice but to cheat.

By the time John tells his story to his family, friends, etc. He says he was the quiet one and was very confused as to why Sarah was throwing a fit and yelling at him for some unknown reason. Do you see how John pretended he was acting how Sarah had acted and lied and said Sarah behaved as he had reacted? That’s what Cheaters do to keep the heat off of them. Because of this Narcissistic behavior, they have poor relationships not just in relationships, but in general because they tend to use people in general for their needs, and once they are done with that person they move on to the next poor sucker who doesn’t know them and use them up until they are no longer needed.

- No matter what happens, a cheating spouse will not take responsibility for their actions. They may feel a temporary moment of guilt but not so much guilt that they can’t admit their fault and spin their cheating around on him/her in their relationship. They will quickly lie about you and believe the lie they made up. They know what they are doing is wrong but sometimes it ends up being the thrill of getting caught cheating that is exciting. He/She will make sure that he/she is not the fall guy in the end. They will make it where you, their partner, are that fall guy. No matter what. It doesn’t matter what the aftermath is and how bad they make you feel. At the end of the day, your feelings will never matter. It’s always going to be about what he/she wants and he/she will do anything to get it and no matter how you feel like your partner. It doesn’t matter.

Cheating is so common now that it's just chalked up to being a part of marriage. Though there are others, who know, this is the ultimate betrayal/sin in marriage and ends their relationship quickly. Whether the affair was emotional or physical with another man/woman it is still a boundary one should never cross in a marriage.

Truth be told, men cheat for physical reasons and women cheat for emotional reasons. 

If you think your partner is cheating, look for proof and then let them know that you know about their cheating. A cheater is easy to spot. Most times they are their own give-away for what they are doing.

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