Nov 17, 2021 in Online Consultations
The Other Woman
Being married and finding out that there is another woman can be a crushing blow for any woman. It's okay to leave!
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It’s hard to be in a relationship nowadays. Susie had a hard time being a little person and trying to find a real relationship. There were a lot of false hopes made at her expense and broken promises made as well. She had it rough from the start. Each made me feel less and less confident about myself as she recalled different situations she was in:
A boy in school made a bet with some friends that he could make Susie believe he liked her and he was going to ask her out. If Susie said yes, he’d win $200. It took a couple of weeks until she was stupid enough to take the bait. Susie couldn’t figure out why he was being so nice to her, especially since he never talked to her before. In fact, he made fun of her before for being so short. Susie didn’t know about the bet until the next day when she was walking down the hall to her locker and some of the kids were laughing and pointing and calling her “A Freak” numerous times. A couple of boys came up and asked her how in the world she could believe someone would ever love her. No one would want her. Susie was devastated. She had that fight or flight moment and decided to stay and act like it didn’t bother her, but inside she truly was destroyed. She wanted to die. She wanted to run away and hide but there was nowhere to really hide. She just hoped that someone else in the school would mess up and the distraction would be off of her. It took a week or two for people to stop talking about what happened and making jokes at her expense.
In another instance in high school, she had a boy that pretended to like her. He hung out with her for almost 6 months and made her feel important. Feel special. They were supposed to have lunch together one day. As she was coming down the hall and heading to the lunchroom and happened to approach the stairs of the school, she heard some boys talking in a loud whisper about how they couldn’t wait to embarrass Susie in the cafeteria about how she was such a freak. Who would want to date a midget in the first place? There was nothing special about her. Only a loser like Susie would think that someone tall would want her. Susie poked her head around the threshold of the doorway to the stairs and told them to tell Justin not to bother meeting her for lunch or ever. She didn’t want to make his life more difficult. The boys just stopped talking and went from joking to looking at each other in shock. Susie wasn’t supposed to hear their conversation. She was confused as to why they had such joy and delight going to exploit her in front of the kids at lunch to suddenly remove the smiles from their faces and the look of shock and maybe even embarrassment.
College time came around and Susie was excited about the change. Almost 6 months into it and this boy named Justin. They hung out a lot. He seemed to love to be around Susie. He carried things around for her and helped her get her lunch or dinner. They talked quite often and one day while she was studying he came over and sat down next to her talking about how much he liked this girl and adored her. He loved her. Susie thought he was talking about her in 3rd person or something and then he came out and said he was in love with another girl. He was so excited he just wanted to tell his best friend (being Susie), about this girl he was going to ask out. Susie felt the very blood from her body seem to wash away. She could almost feel that big smile on her face had to have faded. He looked at Susie and smirked, “Oh, you thought I was going to say I was in love with a freak like you? You’re kinda like my little sister or something… you know? I can’t believe you would think I was going to say I loved YOU… I wouldn’t want to be seen by someone like you. EVER.” He then carried on like it was no big deal and she sat there trying to seem cheerful and at the same time comprehend what had just happened and how stupid she was for thinking yet again someone could or even would love her. She mustered up the gull to tell him how happy she was for him and wished them both well. After he left that day, he no longer hung out with Susie. If he saw her across the room he would leave. He avoided her as much as possible.
After college, she met this young man who only seemed to want one thing and told her to never contact him again because he was married and had kids and he too called her a freak and laughed at Susie saying no one would truly love her.
Years later after she moved out of state to start new she met a man. Things seemed to be going great. They were together for a little over a year. He used her. He had his own agenda. He had never been with a little person and used her to fulfill whatever fetish he had. He told Susie that he wasn’t married and promised they’d be together. They talked about the type of house they were going to get and come to find out he was VERY married and had 3 kids. He said Susie was nothing more than a piece of meat to him. He told her she needed to be used by men and nothing more. He didn’t feel she was worth much except to be used and abused. Susie looked up information on him and he wasn’t happy about that. He put her down and said that she wasn’t good enough to have a real relationship in his eyes. He ended the relationship quickly after she found out the truth and said he was disappointed in her that she snooped and looked up information online about him and then questioned him. All she wanted to do was see more of his work. His work was exciting to her. He said he didn’t have to answer any questions from her and then admitted he was married and he felt it was okay because he was of a big named position and he deserved to get what he wanted when he was out of town doing pieces for the media. He told Susie that she needed to get used to being used. No one would EVER love her as she would ever want. She wasn’t good enough for any real love. Only to be used and that Susie should get into porn. A lot of people have midget fetishes and she'd be the perfect candidate.
Then it came to meeting her future husband. In the beginning, it was great. She believed she finally found the one person that would be good to her. Chris seemed honest, caring, loyal, responsible, respectful and so much more. She still held her breath because she was waiting for the shoe to drop. He was a little taller than her but the more she was with him the more she didn’t think anything could go wrong.
It wasn’t until after she got pregnant and started to show that he would make comments about the baby not being his. He would tell her that he wanted someone taller now and then in the next instance, he would come to his senses. He was saying he was just scared and didn’t know why he was saying that stuff and apologized.
After their child was born, he changed. He was going out seeing other women he found online. He would tell Susie he was going to the gym but who goes to the gym wearing a nice dress shirt, jeans, and cologne and carrying an empty bag then returns in those clothes and has to run to the bathroom to take a shower. That lasted for a short while.
Sept 2012 roles around and he reached out to an old friend of his that used to live in Miami near him. He found her on social media and they started talking. Susie didn’t mind him talking to another female. He’s allowed to have friends he had before she met him. Susie didn’t mind that they were speaking. What she minded was their conversations over the first week started to become sexual and continued up until April 30, 2013.
He would spend more and more time talking to his “old friend” Claire while at work. He’d come home later than normal after work because he would pull over on the side of the road to have sexual conversations with Claire. He’d come home and wait until Susie was asleep in bed and do his best to sneak out of bed to talk to her online and then call her on the phone and talk for hours before sneaking back into the bed and waiting to get up to get ready for work. He found himself lying to Susie more and more about why he had to go to work earlier than normal. He didn’t realize that many nights Susie was awake when he’d sneak out of bed. Nor did he realize she was awake when he snuck back in. He didn’t know that Susie knew he was lying to her when he said he had to go to work earlier or get out later. She wasn’t stupid. She knew. How did she know? She called his job or spoke to a supervisor to get the information, she’d also see the schedule that was given to him by his job every two weeks.
Every time he was confronted he would post comments on social media about how he was in a deep dark place or something else and only give snippets of a sentence of a story to make people feel sorry for him. He would tell convoluted stories to his friends and family. His family would then think that Susie was such an evil person. Chris never told anyone that his wife was upset he was having an online/phone affair with his “old friend” Claire. He would just make up fake stories and was panicked that Susie was sticking up for herself and telling Chris how disrespectful he was being to her. He didn’t know if the word would get out about what he was doing so he manipulated the situation to his friends and family and made up stories about how stressed HE WAS that his wife was having an affair. Everything he had done and was doing, he was telling people that his wife was doing it to make her look bad. His mother, Nancy, and sister were angry with Susie. No one cared to ask her what was going on. They just believed anything and everything that Chris said.
So to get back at Susie for what they thought was happening they had a long conversation together on the phone and decided what lies they were ALL going to come up with about Susie. Chris of course wasn’t going to stop any of it. He joined in with the lies that he would spread about his wife Susie to cover up his wrongdoing. If all eyes were on his wife, then they’d be off of him. At least, for a while.
It gave him enough time to continue to talk to Claire on a secret website she introduced him to and they communicated this way. She put her real name on the website and he was coming up with a different name so no one would know what he was up to.
At the same time, all this was happening, Susie would confront Chris almost daily about what he was doing so he knew it was no secret. She knew what was going on. In return for her telling him what she knew he would respond by calling her a whore, a c**t, a b***h, and everything else. He promised he’d make sure their child was taken away from her so he could raise their child with the help of his mother. He promised on numerous occasions she’d never see their child again if she didn’t keep her mouth shut about what was going on. He tried to convince Susie he was doing nothing wrong because they physically weren’t touching each other. He tried to convince Susie that what he was doing was perfectly fine, but SHE better not talk to any man online or by phone because he would be mad at her and he’d tell his family that she was cheating on HIM. The thing was, he was already doing this.
His mother was making her opinions and voice heard on the phone and by sending him (Chris) cards to the home and he’d leave them around so Susie would see them. His mother was writing bible quotes about “...the wicked and evil one...” which was Susie and it became overwhelming for Susie. What had Susie done that was so bad that he made everything seem like what he was actually doing, that he had to pretend it was Susie doing that? He acted like he was doing nothing wrong and was telling people what she was supposedly doing. All he claimed she was doing, was everything he was doing. He pulled the role reversal card.
At the beginning of April, after months of their marriage being torn apart left and right, Susie was at her breaking point and it eventually all came to a head. He admitted everything when his back was to the wall finally. Although his mother and siblings didn’t want to believe the truth from his mouth they decided to believe the lies that he originally made up. They let him know that they felt Susie had somehow coerced him to tell this new version (the truth) and they figured she was somehow punishing him and forcing him into submission. His sister mass emailed their entire family and made up lies about what she thought was going on and was also inputting the lies their mother had told her without even knowing the true facts. Did it anger Susie? Of course, but it showed me how vindictive, bitter, conniving, manipulative, sneaky, dishonest, etc these people truly were. While his sister, Dana, who mass emailed everyone and decided to email Susie and tell her that if she asked Susie what the weather was like and Susie told her, she’d have to go outside and see because Susie is nothing but a liar because her brother said so and she would rather watch the paint dry and chip away on the wall then be in the same room with Susie. Dana claimed Susie was this awful person.
Even though he admitted the truth to Susie finally about what he did and how wrong it was he allowed his family to say and do whatever it was they wanted against Susie because he said it was their choice to do it and it wasn’t on him to make them stop. He admitted that he wanted the heat off of him and it was easier when they were mad at her because no one asked him questions. His friends and family just felt sorry for him after he told all these manipulations and lies. He said he didn’t know any better. He grew up this way. He learned that it was okay to manipulate the situation with a lot of stuff because it would get him out of trouble. It was his mother that seemed to endorse the behavior and remind him that he’s disabled (meaning short) and therefore it’s not his fault that he does what he does. That person should acquiesce to him and understand that he “has reasons” to be so defensive and treat people how he does. Good or bad. He can do whatever and get away with it because his mother said so and his sister believes it as well.
While Susie was being treated poorly by his family and by him, it only made her feel bad about herself. What ran through her head was how she had been used by men over and over. Being called names. Considered a freak. All she wanted was to have someone treat her how she treated them. When Susie loves someone, it’s unconditionally. When someone else “loves her” there are stipulations and it’s conditional in the end. She’s never known what “true love” really is by a man. She’s never known what it’s like to be protected by a man from friends and/or family. She’s never truly known what it was like to believe in promises because promises end up just being words not put into action. She had to depend on herself more and know in the end, she’s her only friend.
Working on her marriage has been the most difficult thing ever. What makes it hard for her to get over is the fact that one minute Chris and Claire’s friendship went from just that to an affair. Even though it was by phone and by computer, he still picked and chose when to be honest about it. He tells Susie to get over everything and stop bringing up the past. Yet he spent months destroying their marriage for hours and hours. He flaunted it in Susie’s face and online. He got numerous pats on the back for being “such a great guy” and “wonderful husband” and being told how selfish Susie was. He was told he was strong for sticking it out with Susie like he was when she was having an affair with a man or possibly several men online. He was telling people how he worried about their child and it was hard for him to have to go to work because he wouldn’t know if he was going to have to stop working or if Susie was actually taking care of their daughter. He told so many horror stories about Susie. The stories ended up getting back to her. Each new story she heard was more crushing to her.
What his family didn’t and still doesn’t seem to understand is that she lost my best friend to a woman who purposely ended up using him and boasted about what they were talking about online. How does Susie know what Chris was doing in the last month and a half with Claire? She made up a fake name and profile and befriended Claire on the “Secret” website Claire had Chris join so they could talk. After Susie befriended the other woman, Claire would share with Susie almost daily about the conversations that she and Chris had had previously and what they talked about daily thereafter. Susie pretended to be on Claire’s side about how crazy and unreasonable Chris’ wife was. Susie would get to hear the lies and delusional stories made about her by her husband. Claire even shared what Chris had told her that his family thought of Susie. She’d explain that Chris was constantly making up stories about Susie to his mom and how she would tell Chris to say this and that about Susie to his family and he’d report back to Claire and say he said this and that as she wanted him to do. Susie couldn’t go off on her for it because she wanted to know if Chris or his family were going to take Susie to a court or decide to come to their home and confront her. She needed to know.
After all, was said and done, she let him know she knew everything because Claire gladly shared all with her. He didn’t know why Claire would share anything with Susie, but the look on his face was priceless. He didn’t want to believe that Claire would flip on him like she did because she made promises to him and manipulated him more than he realized.
Did Susie ever tell Claire whom she was speaking within the end? No. In fact, Susie talked to her several more months after she and Chris had stopped talking to see what Claire’s plans were. For a minute, Claire was talking about coming to see Chris even after all this because she wanted to use him in person to get what she could from him then leave. Yet, on the other hand, she would make fun of Chris online to her friends and to many many people. It was interesting to watch how sick, twisted, spiteful, and devious she was as well. Susie didn’t think even he realized how sick and twisted she was. Susie let him know and it shocked him. He said he couldn’t imagine that “his friend” would turn on him.
He thought she truly cared about him. He thought they’d be together. The look of confusion on his face was almost wonderful to see. His knowing that so many strangers knew of what he and she did make Susie kind of feel-good but of course, she wouldn’t say those words out loud. Susie couldn’t say how happy she was. She was squealing on the inside. She wanted him to feel the embarrassment he had made her feel over and over when his friends would comment on things he and Claire would say to one another. Even his family would comment on their posts.
Claire would tell him how much she loved him on social media and he would tell her the same. Susie wanted him to feel something. She wanted him to feel remorse or something. Susie didn’t think he ever felt remorse for anything that he did. His only problem was getting caught. He said sorry, but he was sorry for himself. He would have allowed this to go on and on if Susie said nothing and didn’t stop it.
Susie is left feeling cheated out of her marriage. She wanted several children and he took that opportunity away from her because he messed around with someone else virtually and by phone and now that he’s older, he can’t perform to fulfill her needs. He tries to convince her now that people don’t have to have intimacy in a relationship. He made up that rule because he can no longer fulfill her needs and on the other hand he really doesn’t want to anymore. His rules change to fit him and she’s supposed to accept it.
Susie still finds herself still having nightmares about their affair. Whether he cares or not. Whether his family cares that what Chris did broke her in a way that no one can ever imagine. I’m sure you’re wondering why she hasn’t tried counseling. She’s been through 8 counselors and he has been through 6. He stopped going because the topic was turning to talk about why he did what he did and he needed to be honest, plus he was going to have to discuss why he let his mother interfere for so long.
He decided there was nothing wrong with him and didn’t need to go back to counseling. He figured there was nothing wrong with him and that the problem was all Susie’s fault. If only she hadn’t questioned him. If only she let things be how they were. If only she allowed him to have Claire on the side it would have been okay, but Susie ruined that for him. He wanted what he wanted at the time and didn’t care who it affected in the long run.
Does Susie think her husband is a bad person? No. He just made bad choices. He also isn’t held to any consequence by his family or friends because they are afraid to upset him, yet he is allowed to upset others and not care at that moment. Maybe later he’ll have an epiphany and realize he shouldn’t have said this or that … but by then, after months have passed by he’ll look back at the people he has affected and notice that they will have looked at him in a different light. He probably won’t understand why they would see him differently.
Susie still finds herself thinking of different situations that the two of them had. She can still hear Claire’s voice in her head. She replays when Claire called her on that last day after Chris blocked her from calling his phone and she decided to call Susie and laugh about the intimate conversations they shared. She told Susie how Chris truly felt about Susie and how he didn’t love her anymore. He was using Susie and said he was getting bored with her. Chris wished Claire was near so he could be with her.
Despite all that was being said by Claire to Susie, parts of it she couldn’t tell if some of what Claire was saying was true or if it was her being spiteful and saying any and everything. Oddly, at that time, it didn’t bother Susie as much as she thought it would while listening to Claire. Susie didn’t know if it was because she had been talking to her online and befriended her on the secret website and knew what was going on and what was being said about her by both of them. Susie knew her games and knew Claire was also playing him by sharing their conversations all over this website she shared with Chris. Not only had Claire played him, but she would send Susie pics of her in lingerie that she had also sent to Chris. She’d ask Susie what she thought of the pics and she would explain what times Chris would be contacting her because they had planned times to talk to hide it from Susie.
Susie thinks about the times when she would sneak up behind Chris while he was on the computer as he spoke to Claire and he didn’t know until Susie made it clear to Claire and showed her screenshots of the conversations they had.
Claire and Chris got so bold that they would speak in the daytime when he didn’t have to work and Susie was sitting on the couch. Claire would ask Chris what he was doing and he responded that he was “Chillin like a villain” and sometimes he would joke and tell her that “he was Chillin like a villain and a monster…” and she’d laughed and say, “good for you Papi (Daddy…). At a later time, he would use that same phrase over and over when Susie said she wanted them to go back to counseling or threatened to express her feelings to her mom and tell her mother what was going on. Susie even said she wanted to move back home to get away from Chris because she was having a hard time dealing with this emotional turmoil she was left to deal with. He would say, “Oh I see… I see... You want people to think I’m a villain and a monster... You just want people to think I’m this bad person, that’s what you want!” He’d turn it around and somehow make it seem like it was her fault that he was cheating on her. Susie stayed in the relationship and prayed A LOT. She prayed that he’d wake up. She prayed that he’d snap out of it… How she wanted to tell him that Claire was playing him when he spoke to her for almost a year, but she didn’t say anything right away. He would have to fall on his face on his own and find out who she was in the end… Was she a fool for staying? Maybe so. Maybe not. Did she regret staying with him? Yes and No. It’s tough. She misses the things that he could have given to her and wishes for the things he told Claire he would have said to her about how much he loved Claire and wanted her. She misses the love that he could have given to her but pushed Susie aside to give to someone else because he wanted to play.
She still remembers him telling Claire about their daughter and getting advice from Claire about how to set up the birthday party the way she would do it if she was here to celebrate it with our daughter. Susie was so angry and bitter. She was so disgusted that he would bring their daughter’s name to his lips and allow Claire to speak their child’s name as well.
Susie just hasn’t gotten over anything that has happened and maybe because of everything else she’s been through with him it’s scarred her too deep. Her wounds can’t seem to heal no matter how many times he expects her to not talk about anything and just get over it because he said so. If he thinks she’s going to bring something up, he tells Susie that’s why sometimes he believes they can’t work out and should get a divorce, because she brings up the past. He doesn’t seem to understand that she can’t get over the hurt and pain caused by him that she was never allowed to grieve over in her own way. She can’t get over being hurt when she was told not to be angry with him. She can’t get over something by only expressing herself once and then being told once is enough. It’s not enough. How come it’s okay that he got to put down Susie for months and lie about Susie to anyone who would listen but she is allowed to only speak of what he did and how it affected her ONCE?
Men, in general, should have more respect for their wives especially since they stay there and continue to take care of the family and them. Husbands need to have more appreciation for what their wives do for their families. Men need to stop taking their wives for granted. You can say that wives should be grateful and appreciate their husbands and yes that is true, but this topic is about being the other woman in your own marriage. Being placed on the back burner and almost waiting for your turn again in the marriage that you shouldn’t have to share with an interloper.
Sadly, sometimes it's not always because the spouse has cheated with another woman, but it’s that your spouse's mother has/is working on stepping into your marriage and it’s like when you married him he also at the same time married his own mother and you have to wait your turn with that relationship as well.
What is so disturbing about being the other woman is that when Susie expresses her concerns to his mother to ask for advice that even his mother will gladly put Susie down. When his mother was told, she asked if he had seen this “supposed friend” in person. No. Then to hear her say that her son deserves happiness and needed something that wasn’t being given to him and Susie needed to get over it. Her concern was that her son was happy and taking care of his needs and Susie needed to keep her mouth shut. Her son could do whatever he wanted and his mother didn’t want to hear any more about it.
No one seems to get how hard it is. It’s like being isolated in your own home and people make it seem like you are the evil one. Like you are crazy. Susie’s husband being rewarded for bad behavior not only by his family but by his friends. It also devastated her that no one asked her anything. They just assumed that whatever he said to them was actually happening in the home.
Susie ended up asking Chris to leave the home in which he did for several months. It was just all too much for her to bear. While Chris was away from the home he contacted the Pastor of the church he was attending at the time and was begging for help. He messaged the Pastor and said he feared for their child’s safety and didn’t explain what was going on other than his Susie kicked him out of the house for no reason. He was clueless. The Pastor was working on getting a lawyer for Chris to help him out.
It wasn’t until Susie had an opportunity to explain the truth that the Pastor felt bad for not coming to her sooner. He felt bad for automatically accusing her of something without finding out the truth first. The Pastor decided to set up a meeting with both Chris and Susie to talk.
Chris admitted what he did and the Pastor told him that Susie deserved better, especially after she still is there to support Chris when she doesn’t have to. How she still makes sure he has food where he lives away from the home. Chris even told the Pastor how he got his family involved and then he blew off what he had done wrong because he was mad that the Pastor was confronting him on what he had done and hadn’t scolded Susie. Susie hadn’t done anything wrong. She wasn’t having an online affair and calling him out of his name. Susie was a bystander of a marriage that was spiraling out of control. After the meeting, Chris decided he was no longer going to go to church anymore. He was mad about being confronted by the Pastor and probably embarrassed he was caught up in his lies with the Pastor as well.
Susie still tries to continue to work on her marriage with Chris. Although it’s not easy, she believes in her vows even if he doesn’t seem to care as much about it. Eventually, Susie will get tired of doing all the work and will have to face the reality that she isn’t loved and never will be. It won’t matter what she does. It will never be enough.
So why am I sharing this with you? So you know you aren’t alone. To know you aren’t crazy. You deserve happiness. You deserve to have your needs met. To let you know that even though his family accuses you of things you aren’t doing, you need to remain strong.
Here’s the thing, no one can tell you how long you are allowed to be upset about something. They don’t get to hurt you by cheating on you for close to a year and then tell you you need to get over it in one day otherwise you are bringing up the past and they are tired of hearing about what they did to upset you. You have a right to feel how you feel. You have a right to want to be loved unconditionally and have your needs met by your partner when you also are giving to that partner.
You are a champion and if you are still working on your marriage trying to repair what’s broken, don’t let anyone tell you what to do. If you want to stay and work it out... Good for you! If you want to leave because you don’t know if you can stay in it with a cheater and someone that doesn’t care about your feelings… Good for you! You know your reasons for staying or leaving.
Just know you are important! You matter!
And no matter what… you should NOT be the other woman in your own marriage. You need to be #1. Not #2 or #5… Don’t allow yourself to be sat on the back burner while he continues to play. You don’t deserve that either.