He was found by the caretaker of the field the next day. I do not wish this terrible news to my worst enemy. I wanted to stop living myself. For years afterward, I wanted to take my own life. However, I could never gather the guts to do it. I suffered from depression; my marriage started to disintegrate; I mocked my supervisors and challenged them to fire me. I wished someone would hijack me, rob me, and shoot me. I acted out my anger on the roads and viciously swore at other drivers using hand signs. The dreams emanating from my subconscious mind exposed the fact that I was not coping, that I was losing my grip on life. Unknowingly I was killing myself, wishing myself dead.
Initially, I kept a journal as a means to grow through this terrible experience. I knew it would be a powerful instrument in my healing. However, I now hope that the straightforward manner in which I share my story in this book can help others to cope with the death of a loved one. Whether it is due to suicide or otherwise, you may find the tips helpful. I wrote this story firstly as a mourning mother and secondly as a healer.