May 1, 2021 in Counseling

How do you feel with " commitment"?

Explore your thoughts in a relationship.

Have you ever had some thoughts such as the following:

 I don't like to be committed.

I want to be free.

I don't like to be responsible.

I want to have my own time.

I don't like to be controlled.

 Are you ready to explore what is happening on your mind about these simple words?

It is interesting to know that you are so sensitive to these words/phrases that you dislike when you are facing them in other people. For example if you have a flight which is canceled at the last minute, you would be so upset about it and perhaps think they are not responsible at all. Or when something happens out of your control e.g. the current COVID-19 pandemic situation, you feel deeply insecure because of lack of control over it.

So be aware that all those above things mean that you have a hard time applying them for yourself, but you are eagerly expecting others to do them for you.You want your family to be committed to their words and duties, your partner to be free to spend time with you, your friend to be responsible for joining the trip which you planned before, and you feel good when you have control on your time, money and environment.

You know why? Because being committed, responsible, controllable and having privacy are all good behaviors if not exceeding the normal extent. The feelings of safety, security, predictability and respect are all coming along with them which is really good.

However, the question is, why are you running away from it? what is happening on your mind which is freaking you out?

Definitely, the answer is  "Misunderstanding the word based on your wrong beliefs.

When it comes to yourself the word "Responsibility" comes with 100 lbs. burden on your shoulders. 

Or when you need to reply the simple E-mail, you might feel the sender is forcing you to reply and has an intention to control your work.

When your friend asks you to have dinner together, you might feel like you need your privacy so you will bring more excuses to refuse it. 

When you want to start a realtionship for a one second you want to be in and the following second you  might prefer to be out of it. Literally, you are constantly shifting between these two points. So your behavior would be so weird and confusing through your partner's eyes, because you think that if you are committed, you are killing yourself. Commitment to you means no  more breathing room.

Alright, now we are half way through since you are aware that your mind is working in a wrong way when it comes to yourself. Your mind works like a magnifier 100x for yourself but when it comes to your expectation from people around you this magnifier power goes down to 50x which is still bigger than the actual reality. That's why you are more sensitive to those modalities in others as well.

So why do you think this way? What happened?

Unfortunately, when we were kids we were so vulnerable. We see most of the things bigger than the real ones. It seems we made a big issue out of the small conflict there, and now even though we are adult, we never had a chance to get back to our archive to declutter them. That's why we are still struggling with them unintentionally.  

Now what is the solution: We can approach it in two different ways;

1. Black/White : You can completely desensitize (Black) yourself for these modalities which means not wanting to obey by yourself and not expecting others to do it for you. In this way life would be so boring and even it is hard to imagine what it would look like. Then the other side would be supersensitize (White) yourself which means that you are expecting those badly from others and so you will apply them on your own as well. 

This first solution it is not applicable even so it is logical. Inspite of that just keep that in your mind as a worst case scenario.

2. Adjusting : In this way, you can try to come up with your own adjusting definition to make that applicable. For example, define the word " Responsibility " for yourself. How can you make it easy to explain it to yourself and not an extra burden for you? If it comes to your relationship, think about to what extent you can spend time and money for your partner.

Inaddition, for " Commitment " try to play with this word. Can you replace it with just being exclusive? does it feel lighter now?

About being controlled, come up with some numbers, after how many questions or messages you have replied you would feel you are getting controlled by the person. Look at the contents wisely, "are they really normal questions or are you thinking in the wrong way"? If you would be in their shoes, are you asking the same questions?

Finally, try to make the boudaries/red lines for each definition. Then you are able to see your territory  and all the free spaces that exist between your defined boundaries. Then you don't feel you are trapped there.

By practicing that you will see by having good boundaries and great definitations, there will be more spaces and times that allow you to feel free and safe in having both of your own private life and peaceful  life in the real world as well.

Lets feel free to sit in a one-on-one session with me. By working together, I would be able to guide you to clear up your mind and break your current pattern in order to build up an amazing new pattern for you.

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