Aug 6, 2020 in Life Coaching
On Shyness and the Human Condition
So many people held back by shyness nowadays. But what is shyness and what does it tell us about human nature?
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How do I fix a marriage after cheating??
My husband of 5 years has cheated on me. I'm heartbroken. Can I fix our marriage?? Is there hope for us?? Will things get better? Please help
Am I over reacting? Am I the one in the wrong no him
Ok I've been with my boyfriend for 3 years now and he denied cheating on me but everything points to the opposite he's gone to spend the night with his baby moma and her kids in a hotel he rated me put to her when I called the cops on her for her vandalizing my car he would defend her when I would bring thing up about her and he has a video of her playing with her self am I wrong for being mad?
We both have insecurities and trust issues due to past relationships... So, there's the back and forth accusations, yelling, name calling, etc. We are both extremely jealous and have no communication skills. We love each other but sometimes Love isn't enough to make someone understand that you aren't going to hurt them. How can we help each other overcome these issues?
Idk what to do
My boyfriend and I have been fighting because he found some old messages that I had when we started going out, the messages are not bad the conversations where just like hi and bye kind of thing but because I told him I wasn't talking to anyone he's mad but da whole time he was still hanging out with his baby momma behind my back and he would delete all his messages to her so I wouldn't see them
Lost and confused at a crossroads
My boyfriend and I have been together for seven years now. We have had a very tumultuous relationship both of us have hurt each other very much on each parts. But he’s done a lot more wrong it has no accountability. But my question is how do you handle it because anytime I try to talk to him about anything he automatically yells at me, deflects, accuse me of cheating. How do you go about handling
How can I get my teen to confide in me
I've been trying to get my son to confide in me about why he is feeling so depressed. He is 15 years old and a very good teen but have no idea why he is so withdrawn and quiet. Please help me I cant bear to see him like this
What do I do?
I'm not sure what to do. Recently separated mom with 2 young girls and pregnant with my 3rd.
I took my son's Ipad away because I'm at my wit's end with him.
He is so addicted and doesn’t want to do anything else. Can anyone tell me whether I did the right thing or am I being too harsh?
It's 3 y I divorced and we have shared custody of 2 lovely kids. Any advice on how to make them understand that divorced parents is ok?
What should I do?
My son is acting out in school and giving people the middle finger and running around and hitting when he is restrained and he also has speech apraxia and may have ADHD
Shyness is a common psychological trait. It belongs to mental health, but when crossing a threshold of normality, it can seriously harm the quality of life and the ability to enjoy intimate relationships. Psychologists do not seem to penetrate into the depth of shyness, and their suggestions tend to be somewhat shallow ("smile more"). In this article, I would like to present a different approach to human psychology and to show how it explains the root cause of shyness. It’s a new working model of the personality. Unlike other models, this one also offers a real solution in the form of meditation that will be discussed in future articles.
In social psychology, shyness is associated with quietness, anxiety in social situations, and feeling tense or awkward in social interactions especially with the opposite sex. Research shows however, that simply training shy individuals in social skills does not solve the problem and counterintuitively, in some cases it even makes it worse.
The psychoanalyst Donald Winnicott referred to shyness as an important developmental phase and to the total lack of shyness in children as pathological. He suggested that children who do not learn to express their anger become tense, over-controlled, serious and inhibited as adults. It is as if they unconsciously struggle to keep the anger inside and hidden.
Typical of shyness is that it does not make any sense. This is especially true to the shy people themselves who suffer the pain of being perceived as aloof against their best intentions, resulting in feelings of shame and isolation. It is as if they are locked in a shell that prevents them from establishing playful, intimate, and sexual relationships. This double-edged sword cuts them from within and without. And what’s worse is that the fact that they cannot understand their inner situation makes talking about it pretty much impossible.
So what causes shyness? I suggest that the answer lies in the way mind and body are related to one another. Or more accurately, in how the mind transforms the body. what do I mean by that?
The evolution of the mind has opened up a new dimension of experience in humans. Language is so much more than means of communication. It is an expression of a world that is totally different from the the physical world. It is a mental world of abstractions and phantasies. This means that humans are the only species that live in two worlds: physical and mental which has to be brought together. The physical world is accessible through perception of the senses, whereas the mental world where the mind lives is accessible only through the “sixth sense”: intuition. The quality of your psychological well-being is dependent on how well can your personality manage living in two worlds at the same time. It is also true that the quality of your external relationships is an expression of the quality of the internal relationship between the physical and mental worlds inside you.
This situation is depicted in figure 1. The mind grows out of the body and it has the motoric control over it. The mind needs energy from the body just like the body needs food. Energizing means that physical energy needs to be mentalized and turn into mental thinking. In shyness, the mind tends to be overwhelmed in certain situations when the body is suddenly aroused and more physical energy (Libido) runs towards the mind than it can metabolize (sublimate) in "real time". In this sense, mentalization (or sublimation) can be metaphorically thought of as the digesting system of the mind and in shyness, the Libido is incredibly spicy.
Figure 1: Mind (Language) and Body (Libido)
Figure 2 depicts the core of the internal conflict that every human being needs to resolve. When physical energy enters the mind without being "mentalized" sufficiently, it disrupts the mental world and the mind becomes anxious. Since the mind is a thinking organ, it produces thoughts. And an anxious mind produces anxious thoughts. It is pretty much impossible to convince the anxious mind to change its anxious thoughts. Trying to socialize in a conflicted state of mind is like driving a car with the handbrake on. But when the energetic conflict has calmed down, these thoughts simply fade away.
Figure 2: The core conflict in humans
Another metaphor to think of mind and body is of the mind riding the body like a horse. Without the horse, the rider lacks the energy but if the horse is too wild (like in shyness), the rider is constantly afraid to fall off. He becomes timid. The trick is to be able to differentiate between fears that come from the external world and those that are triggered in the inner world.
What shy people need then is not an intellectual understanding (they are usually very smart to begin with) but the skill to energize their mind with physical energy but without being blown away. I refer to energizing the mind as mentalization and I have developed a meditation technique that promotes healing of this process. I will share more on this new approach to human psychology and how to benefit from it in future articles.