Jul 16, 2020 in Life Coaching

Skills for Resolving Conflict in a Relationship

When a couple gets into a conflict, they generally get caught on the surface or problem level. Several things need to happen

Jennifer Lehr

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Previously published on May 30th, 2020 https://blog.weconcile.com/2020/05/30/skills-for-resolving-conflict-in-a-relationship/

When a couple gets into a conflict, they generally get caught on the surface or problem level. Several things need to happen to resolve the conflict. You’ll learn about the necessary skills for resolving conflict in a relationship in this article.

Respect

Skills for resolving conflict in a relationship include respect. Both parties need to be respectful of others. That means no name-calling, no criticism, or contempt. It means that time outs are understood as necessary to calm down by both parties and not used as punishment. Instead of shutting down emotionally and defending or blaming, you are open, vulnerable, and available to listen to what your partner has to say. You are willing to look at your contribution to the conflict (your behavior that is stirring the fire). Conflict is often co-created. It is difficult to resolve a dispute in a meaningful way if either party does not take responsibility for their behaviors and stop them. 

Understanding

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Jennifer Lehr

Therapist

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Skills for resolving conflict in a relationship include an understanding of attachment. Once these relational rules are understood and abided by, the next phase of resolving conflict can occur. This step involves understanding attachment, which will allow each party to identify their attachment needs and fears, as well as what triggers these needs and fears. This means you will need to be somewhat fluent in identifying your feelings. 

 If you have difficulty identifying your feelings, you will have to learn how. Therapy is generally an excellent way to develop facility with feelings. 

Sometimes you can identify your feelings. But you have trouble tolerating difficult ones – and try to escape them rather than experience them, therapy can help, as can meditation, yoga or even journaling. You must find a way to experience what life hands you and witness it rather than run from it. 

Healing

Life is filled with challenging events that may shake us to the core. Healing involves learning to witness our experiences and integrate them, becoming more robust and more whole instead of fractured. 

Underlying conflict, we always find emotional needs and fears. This is true even if we are dealing with ideologies (religious groups and politics), teams, or corporations. For example, “Is my boss looking out for me?” To resolve conflict, we have to dig down to that emotional level and work there. 

On the surface, relationship conflict looks like the content. For example, in a disagreement about whose house to spend a holiday, underneath that content, we will find emotional fears and needs. These are attachment-based needs and fears.

These emotional concerns are focused on survival and love. Do you love me? Do you care about me? Do you care about what I am feeling? Will you abandon me? Am I good enough? Am I enough for you? Will you accept me as I am? 

George and Maia

Here is an example story to illustrate this: 

George was fired from his job and is now drinking excessively. His drinking stresses his wife Maia out – a lot. She tells him. They end up fighting about his drinking. He tells her she is controlling. She tells him she feels unheard.

What is happening?

George is obviously upset and stressed by the loss of his job. He doesn’t know how to deal with this blow to his self-esteem or his underlying feelings – in this case, probably anger, fear, and perhaps even feeling he isn’t good enough. On top of that, he is probably feeling that life is unfair.

Maia is obviously upset and stressed by George’s drinking and behavior. She doesn’t know how to deal with what feels like the loss of her partner. She has been catapulted back into history that tells her she is unsafe; she is not cared for and has been abandoned. 

If George and Maia could discuss their deep feelings, triggers, fears, and needs, they would have a different conversation.

The conversation

Maia: I am very concerned about your drinking… and I feel as I did when I was younger, and nobody cared about how I felt. When you drink like that, I feel alone. You check out. I don’t even know if I have a partner. And then when I talk to you about it, you act like I’m your enemy. I’m your friend. I want you to hear my pain and look at how you are dealing with your pain.

George: I understand your concern. I have so many feelings coming up. I put so much into that job, and then I just got thrown away. Like I was worthless. It made me feel like I’m not good enough, like no matter what I do, it isn’t enough. I hear that you want me to be more present with you. I’m not sure what to do about the pain I am in. I am sorry I have been cutting myself off from you. I know you are trying to help me, you, and us. 

Maia: When you say that, I feel more hope. I feel like you are more present and available. I feel less scared, and I feel more connected to you. What can we do so that you are able to stay more present with me?

George: I don’t know what to do about my drinking. I really do feel like checking out sometimes. I think I need to get through these intense feelings. I do know when you speak to me like you just did, I feel more connected to you as well and I don’t feel like you are trying to control me and make me conform to your ideas of me. My mother was always telling me who to be and what to do. It is a big trigger for me. I love you a lot and don’t want to cause you pain. We will figure a way through this. 

While this conversation isn’t solving the apparent problem of George’s drinking to escape his intense feelings, it is opening up a new way of communicating and interacting between George and Maia. George has the opportunity to get support from Maia instead of trying to get through this on his own in a way that is destructive to his relationship. 

Reconnection

We don’t have to allow the challenging events of our lives to fracture us and our relationships. Instead, we can use these events to build more connected relationships with those we love and depend on, as well as internally with our own experience.

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