Mike surprises his wife by getting off work early at 3pm, but he comes home with tools to fix his 80 inch TV in the man cave. Mike has a football party scheduled this weekend. Janise is now upset, yells at Mike, and then a heated argument begins. Janise yells, “Get away from me” and insults Mike by calling him a “fat pig”. Mike responds by calling Janise a “spoiled brat”. They go back and forward. In Janise’s mind, she feels that Mike is selfish. In her self-talk, she says, “I don’t ask for much”. “He knows how much this meant to me”. “If he cared, he would have got the tools to redecorate the living room, not his stupid smelly man cave.”
You see, Janise blames Mike in the moment and she totally forgets that Mike has spent each day working on other parts in the house, such as fixing the toilet and kitchen cabinets. Mike yells back at Janise and says, “I’m tired of fixing the stuff you break in this house anyway”. Janise is now infuriated. Both Mike and Janise are now extremely angry. We can see them yelling back and forward, but we are unable to see their thoughts. Think about the iceberg in the above picture. All we can see is the anger on top. Underneath the anger, are some of the primary thoughts that should be addressed. Anger is probably NOT the first thought or emotion experienced by both Mike and Janice in this example. Janice probably was disappointed, hurt, humiliated, rejected or even jealous. Those are the primary emotions, which would make Anger the secondary emotion. Mike probably felt annoyed, frustrated, failure, guilt, and anxiety. Again, those are the primary emotions, which would make Anger secondary. However, we typically focus on the expressions of anger: the yelling, arguing, verbal/physical aggression. We then try to “control” it. It is very difficult, if not impossible, to control an intense feeling. We must learn how to manage.
In order to manage anger more effectively, we must dive into our secondary emotions and develop real plans to implement when we experience secondary emotions. Let me be your professional guide to help you understand the Anger Iceberg in even deeper contexts.
Ricky Hogens, MHS, CAMS II
A Path to Greatness, LLC