The Five Biggest Relationship Killers You May Face
These five issues can either help you develop a successful relationship, or destroy one. Here are tips to keep it together.
These five Killers can devastate aFacer's lationship. How you handle them can make a significant difference.
In the 25 years that I have worked with clients, I have learned the secret to a successful relationship is one of giving and take, and mostly give. These five issues can either help you develop a successful relationship, or destroy one. Here are tips to keep it together.
Not talking to one another is a big relationship killer, but not because we don't want to, we just don't know how to or what to say. And when we try, we fail miserably. We so often say the wrong or inappropriate things at times, because we are not given the cliffs notes for rules of engagement, and then one thing builds on another and suddenly there is a giant wall of miscommunication, which leads to no communication because it's just easier that way.
To make things more complicated, there are various styles of communication. Verbal, non-verbal, tone, inflection, even silent communication. All of these play a role in not what is said, but how it is said, which can have different meanings, as well as what is not said.
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How do you know what your partner is saying? Ask. Just ask. "What do you mean by that? Why would you say that? How does that help? What should we do about that"
These types of questions offer clarity without judgment and condemnation. It also suggests that you are a good listener by trying to understand your partner's perspective. It also suggests you are willing to work together to find a solution.
Communication is a key that can unlock the soul of your partner. When you can master the art of communication with your partner as an active participant and active listener, it can make all the difference.
2. Self Confidence
This is a big relationship killer, twofold. Too much self-confidence can be perceived as pushy, a bully, egotistical, etc. This can lead to a false sense of security, pride, and an attitude of no one can do it better.
Too little self-confidence can be perceived as a pushover, no backbone, an inability to stand up and push back when necessary, and can lead to lack of trust, depression, abandonment, and abuse.
Learning that we as individuals are enough is the toughest lesson any of us can learn, but the most rewarding. We have been given everything we need to be our best. The problem is others tell us what they think our best is, and because we don’t have any confidence in ourselves, we go along with someone else’s plan until it doesn’t work out.
It is difficult to be in a relationship when you don’t know who you are. And when you feel that you have to be In a relationship, that needy behavior can devastate a relationship. I tell my clients that a relationship is one that both parties want to be a part of, without any expectations from the other. You shouldn’t need or have to have a partner. You should want a partner because that particular individual is your soulmate.
3. Not Letting Go
Have you ever gone on an extended vacation or trip out of town? There’s a lot of stuff you have to pack, carry with you, put in the car/truck/van/plane. That’s a lot of baggage. We do that with our past. We hold on to our past like our luggage at the airport, I don’t know about you, but if I am carrying around 50+ years of past baggage with me everywhere I go, how in the world would I be able to move forward on anything?
The more you let go of inconsequential, insignificant stuff that seemed important at the time, the more room you can make for brighter future events. Learning to let go means practicing forgiveness. Forgiveness does not let the person you are forgiving off the hook. It merely cleanses your mind of the infraction, rather than shoving that emotion into an overstuffed duffel bag that you have to sit on to close, only to pop open and spring out at the most inappropriate time. Practicing forgiveness takes exactly that. Practice. Forgiving means wiping away everything that happened as if it never did. We are imperfect people. Forgiveness goes a long way toward building a relationship.
Some people partner for reasons other than love. Some for money. Some simply for health benefits. Some for fame. Some because it could land a position in Daddy’s firm. Some become the Knight In Shining Armor to save the damsel in distress. Others for a project to fix. Each of those boils down to the same result; what am I going to get out of this marriage. As soon as the words “I do” pass your lips, that should be the last time the word "I" is used in marriage. There is no more “I”. Now it is "us" and "we". Your needs, however big or small, are now secondary. You sacrifice yourself for your partner, as your partner sacrifices him or herself for you. Your partner is not your project, meal ticket, sugar daddy/sugar momma, next promotion, or therapist. That leads to manipulative, deceitful, and devastating outcomes.
Selfishness can pop up small and innocent, like wanting to watch a particular movie regardless of whether your partner wants to. Always doing what you want without checking in with your partner is a way of destroying the relationship. Choose together, or take turns making plans.
It is often misquoted that money is the root of all evil. That is not exactly true. The love of money is the root of all evil. If you or your partner loves money more than anything, that is a big relationship killer, because nothing can compete with love. And the love of money means there is never enough, nor leaves room for anything else. The love of money can ruin relationships, families, businesses, and countries when it is misplaced as the priority. The lack of money can create the same stress and anxiety as having an abundance of money. Learning to live with and use money as an effective tool to build the life you want for yourself is a good way to keep the Money Monster at bay. Setting financial goals the both of you agree to and implementing a plan helps build a strong and solid future that will last for generations.
All of these killers don’t have to be. And if any of these killers sound familiar, don’t be discouraged! The first step is knowing where you are and then from there, learning to take a new step in a different direction for different results. If you always do what you’ve always done, you’ll always get what you always got. By honestly assessing and recognizing who you are as an individual can help determine where you are and what the next steps look like.