Dec 30, 2020 in Life Coaching

Busting Sex's Most Common Myth

A woman's wetness is an indication of how aroused she is...or is it?

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I'm about to blow your mind. I am going to shatter one sexual myth that most men and women hold near and dear. Wetness is not, I repeat NOT a direct indication of a woman’s level of arousal. Yes, you read that correctly. How wet a woman is does not indicate how turned on she is. This article is also going to let you know why it’s not and what actually is.

Ever heard of arousal non-concordance? Yeah, me neither until I began studying human sexuality. Arousal non-concordance simply put is when your mind and body are out of sync. Basically, they are showing signs of arousal when they are not turned on or they are feeling turned on, but their body is not. This means for many people, that when you are aroused and when you are ready only overlap around 10% of the time. You can be aroused and not have any natural lubricant, or you can be ‘soaked’ and not be aroused. This condition affects way more women than men. A woman’s body is primed to react to any perceived sexual stimuli. Our brains are wired to sort through these stimuli and decide whether it turns us on or not.  Often the wiring gets crossed and we can be turned on by situations that we have no mental interest in. 

Understanding this condition can help us to see that we are not damaged or weird. It is okay if you do not automatically respond sexually to the touch of your partner.  There is not an official test you can take to diagnose or measure arousal non-concordance. There have been numerous studies done where participants were asked to watch porn clips or look at nude pictures while their vaginal pulse rate or the size of their erections were monitored to measure physical arousal. The researchers would then rate their level of sexual desire or subjective arousal on the clip or photograph. The existing overlap between the participant’s subjective and physical arousal is what is used as a marker of arousal concordance or non-concordance. 

Now what is the measure woman’s arousal? The almighty vulva. When a woman gets turned on, the blood vessels in her genitals dilate. The external genitalia become engorged or swollen due to the increased blood supply. Engorgement is the true sign of a woman’s readiness. This is the vulva’s way of announcing the vagina is ready for more direct action. 

Many women are shamed or feel ashamed for not getting wet enough during their sexual encounter. There is absolutely no shame in needing to add a personal lubricant. Add in some lubrication and really enjoy the sexual experience from start to finish. Please realize that your wetness really has nothing to do with your arousal, unless there is a hormonal issue going on. If you suspect you have a hormonal issue, please talk with your gynecologist.  Also, arousal non-concordance can arise from sexual trauma, if this is the case, I strongly encourage you to seek therapy.

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